Two nights ago, the pain started again.
My life is defined by managing very serious health issues, and a few weeks ago I underwent a two-week period of such intense pain that I had moments where I was just ready to die to end the misery. But two different trips to the hospital enabled doctors to locate the problems and patch them up, and life resumed to "normal," which for me is 1) a paralyzed small intestine, thereby I live on IV nutrition and fluids through a port, and have a GJ tube to drain fluids and air that get trapped in there. 2) I have a primary immune deficiency (CVID) that requires monthly infusions of IVIG and causes chronic fatigue as my organs and systems struggle to function without the help of a immune system. 3) I have chronic rheumatoid arthritis that loves to keep me on my toes as to where and when it is going to flare and how badly.
I manage. I kinda even "cruise" a bit. After 10 years of this, I've learned to gage my energy and dole it out to get through my stay-at-home homeschooling mother days. But it is a constant burden and stressor that never lets up.
Those two weeks of pain I had just after Christmas were frightening. I grew weak and feverish. I lost 25 pounds. I thought maybe I could finally be dying. The pain was too bad to think or sleep or move. Fortunately, the doctors found the sources of the pain and were able to treat it.
But two nights ago, it returned.
NO! I told God. NO, NO, NO! I will NOT do this again. NO! You have to take this away now! I can't. I can NOT. NO! Do you hear me? NO!!!
I was in the bathroom where I had been attempting some of the 2-3 hours of physical therapy exercises I do each day to help my body function better, and letting my GJ tube vent.
I put a thick towel on the bathroom floor and through excruciating pain, lowered myself onto it and curled up into a fetal position.
No. Help. Oh God. I can't. Why? This is too hard. Grandma Olga, pray for me. St. Bonaventure, pray for me. Mother Mary, pray for me. What is happening? Just no.
I laid there helpless. Broken. I couldn't formulate another thought or word. And then, a vision opened in my mind.
The Potter's wheel. I saw a piece of clay being formed by two strong hands, and it was very clear to me that the process involved a constant steady pressure. I understood that constant, steady pressure had been on me my whole life. Constant, perfect. Shaping, stretching, refining, perfecting. Our loving Father, from the day we are born, keeps a constant steady pressure on our lives to mold us, make us, shape us into what He has planned for us to be according to His perfect plan. If we are not walking in faith at any point in our lives, then we are confused and overwhelmed by this pressure. We can be overcome with anger, bitterness, grief, depression. Without faith, we don't see this pressure--our trials--for what it is. It is the process of creating, refining and perfecting. But if we know God, we can fully trust the pressures--the trials--that come our way. We can know by faith they are PERFECTLY applied for our own unique soul, and even though hard, we can manage to trust Jesus through it all. That is the sufficiency of His grace. The love of a Father bestowed on His children.
I watched the wheel spinning with the strong hands applying even, constant, delicate pressure. Then I saw one of those hands lift up and two fingers dug in deep in one particular spot. A beautiful shape instantly emerged on the outline of the vessel, but... OW!!!! That was the pain I knew I was feeling tonight. The Potter's fingers digging in one particular spot. Why? To take a beautiful vessel and turn it into something spectacular and unique.
Okay. I see it. I get it. I waited in silence. Why?
The Potter's wheel vanished and my mind recalled a prayer I sent up last week. No. It wasn't a prayer. It was a full-blown tantrum, and it went something like this:
My Jesus, I want to SEE! I want some SPIRITUAL SIGHT! It's not fair! I know you say that those who believe without seeing are more blessed, but I don't care! All the great saints are called blessed and they had amazing visions and spiritual sight! Paul had it. John had it. Peter had it when you let him see Elijah and Moses at the Transfiguration. People all over the world get to see Mary, or the Holy Family, or Jesus. They get visions of your Heavenly realm and divine revelations of your perfect will. I WANT TO SEE. Something. Anything. Please? It's not FAIR! I do believe without seeing, but I still want to see SOMETHING.
How is that for an obnoxious prayer? That prayer came to mind in that moment after my vision of the Potter's wheel vanished. I saw myself in the car driving to my doctor's appointment, yelling that tantrum up to God.
And then I saw it all come together. The constant loving pressure my Potter has placed on me PERFECTLY since the moment I was born. More pressure here for a minute, then more over here. I noticed the pain that had sent me to the fetal position had vanished. The pressure point was gone. The purpose of it had been to answer my prayer for spiritual sight. That pressure point of pain in that particular moment--arriving not long after a hard battle with the same pain--it humbled me enough--broke me enough--for one moment so that God was able to let me see something I could have never seen clearly with my mind full of my own thoughts.
He is the Potter. I am the Clay.
