We often think of crossroads in our life as being huge, life changing moments. They are on occasion, but usually they are not. There are many little crossroads in each of our lives every day--that moment where we decide to choose between our way or God's way. Eve, the very first woman, had that moment--and it is the same moment all of us encounter every day, often several times per day. Especially in our areas of weakness. We choose to step towards or away from, often multiple times per day, angry words or actions, impatience, selfishness, wrong foods, drugs, alcohol, laziness, wrong books or TV, wrong ways to spend our time (too much TV or social media), wrong thoughts (complaining or critical), dishonesty, and more. Satan loves to work by blinding us to the crossroads sign. He keeps us from noticing the decision point.
My weakness is GLUTTONY. I have never known how to eat responsibly, or enjoy food properly without over-indulging my flesh in response to cravings, stress, or other emotions. Food has always been for me a drug and an obsession. Outside of God, it is often what my mind dwells on most--what to eat and when.
I have prayed for years and years and years for God to help me grow in this area. I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds (including 60 to 80 pounds of baby weight seven times). Being overweight is distracting and depressing and makes me angry and tense. Dieting or fasting is all-consuming to me mentally. I have always envied people whose lives don't seem to be ruled by thoughts of food.
So, how does God answer my years and years of prayers? By graciously bestowing Purgatory, His purging fire, on this area of my life NOW, instead of waiting to pass through His refining fire after death. It is hard, but I'm grateful. For eight years now, I have been physically unable to eat normally, with a GI system that has continued to lose functionality on a steady decline. I have been hospitalized at least ten times for this, needing IV and/or tube feedings. To stay out of the hospital and to stay functional at home as a wife, mother, and homemaker and homeschooling mama, I have no choice but to learn to control my diet SEVERELY, or as a result I can't move or function, and I end up in the hospital.
I have to avoid sugar, all grains (even oats, corn, rice), all processed foods. I have to largely avoid dairy and solid foods in general. I can function quite well if (big **IF**) I stick to bone broth, 100% juices, bites of fresh or dried fruit, a bite of cheese or other pure proteins like fish or eggs or chicken, and bites--just bites--of other fresh or steamed veggies, and nuts or natural nut butters. Plus a slew of daily supplements.
With 5 kids in the house, I often fall to the temptation, like Eve, to "take just one bite." Or "just one cookie." Just a few chips. Just one piece of pizza. Satan likes to tell me it doesn't count or doesn't matter. But it does. It makes me so much more physically sick and miserable so that I'm either snappy and irritable as I try to function while feeling sick, or simply makes me so sick I have to lie down and wait out the effects of my lack of self control and pray I can get through it without needing to go to the hospital.
Over the years, I have gotten better. I am more detached from food, but it is still a weakness and every day is a long, uphill battle of the mind and body and spirit for me.
But right now--especially the past few days--I think of Jesus, at His deciding point--at his crossroads. I think of Eve as she faced hers. One small step takes you in the right direction or the wrong one. Satan will try to makes us not even realize the crossroads. He first tries to blind us to the decision point. When that doesn't work, he floods our minds with thousands of excuses to take one tiny step the wrong direction--making us think it's no big deal. That it can't possibly be of any harm.
It is.
I can see the Lord's work in my life, and how He is answering the prayers of my heart in this illness he has allowed for me. I'm so grateful. How many are blessed to have such refining fire in our present lives here on Earth?
Since Easter Sunday, with countless pounds of candies and sweets in the house (5 kids x Easter), I have been able to visualize that crossroads I face every time I am tempted to eat the wrong thing. I visualize Jesus stepping towards those soldiers. I visualize Eve stepping towards that forbidden fruit. And I have stepped away from my flesh and TOWARDS God's will in my life.
What do you need to get better at stepping away from? Think of our sweet Jesus, as every cell in His body longed to step away from what He knew He must do, but He stepped towards it. Think of Eve, how one step towards that tree instead of one step away--it changed everything.
Think of the Cross. The cross Jesus stepped towards. It represents the crossroads we face every day--Choose Jesus. Choose God's will. Choose God's best. One step at a time.
